I didn't want to put this on a comment because I knew it was going to be kind of long.
All of these feelings that I'm feeling now have been locked up inside since I was 3 years old and my father left. And they just grew bigger and stronger over the years and grew exponentially when my father died. Now that Art is here, they've all come out of my head and more specifically out of my eyes. I'm on anti-depressents again and going to a therapist so maybe I can figure some things out.
Kim, I'm sorry for missing your party but I fought myself the whole time I had to decide. I felt like the biggest ass on the planet because I knew I was hurting you. But I don't know any other way to deal with this. You don't know how many times I thought about taking myself away out of this world and then thought of you and decided against it. You saved my life and don't even know it. The reason I didn't want to tell you about all of this is because I know it would make you worry. And that's the last thing I wanted. But now you're mad and I feel even worse. You don't have to forgive me, but just know that I'm still gonna love you like a sister because that's what you've been to me for the past 10 years.
I've been putting on an act for 13 years and apparently, I can't pull it off anymore. I can't hide anything from anybody anymore. It's eating me up from the inside out and it hurts like hell. I feel alone in what's going on. My sister doesn't understand, you don't understand, my mother obviously doesn't understand because even after talking with her, nothing has changed. I have no one else to run too and I think that's what broke me. I've always had that someone who understood what I was going through and this time, there's no one. No one knows and no one can help. I'm the only one I've got to talk to about this and it's going to take some time to think this over. I don't know how it's going to happen and I don't know if this is ever going to end and if it doesn't, I don't know what's going to happen to me. I just hope that I'll still have you there just to know that I have someone who loves me. Because it's lonely here and I don't like it. Just please don't leave.